


What Could Have Been

by CosmoKid



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Clint Is a Good Bro, Multi, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Tattoo Artist Bucky Barnes, Unhappy Ending, Unresolved, kinda angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-24 01:51:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8351659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CosmoKid/pseuds/CosmoKid
Summary: In which Steve goes to have his soulmate mark removed and his soulmate is the one removing it.





	1. What Could Have Been

**Author's Note:**

> the soulmate marks work by them matching one another in this universe

Being the only tattoo artist in the city who could remove or fix tattoos meant that Bucky had his few share of people not wanting a soulmate mark. He was legally obliged to ask why and notify the town’s officials every time he did this which became more of a hassle than a necessary requirement, but he always did, even when they asked him not to. It was like being caught between a rock and a hard place, he didn’t want to invade the privacy of his clients, but this job was his only secure flow of income and he hardly had enough to get by, let alone pay a fine for it or even lose his job.

He was completely against it, to begin with, taking away the thing that would allow people to find happiness. He could just imagine the pain their soulmate, the rejection and anger and the feeling that it was their fault. He’d heard that their soulmate could feel something when it happened, but that was just an urban legend. Or maybe the desperate longingness when they can never find their soulmate. The hopelessness.

As he grew as an artist and heard more stories, he realised why. Why should someone’s entire life be based upon some mark? The societal pressure to stay together with someone you might not even love or get on with. There were lots of campaigns with that, the idea that you were compatible when the marks appeared, but that you grow and change as time goes and what’s to say that you’re still destined for one another? The reasoning was sound and Bucky was almost in agreement with them, there was just a little part of him that wanted to cliché love you’d get in the movies. The starstruck moment where you realise that they are your soulmate, they’re yours and you’re theirs. The idea of living your entire life with them, with someone who would always love you.

He never understood why he’d seem to want that, he hated the idea of the white picket fence life, being tied down for his entire life. The mere thought of it made him sick and terrified him. He just couldn’t live that life.

And then you’d have the stories of the ones who knew that soulmates didn’t mean that you’d be able to live your life happily with them. The ones with separated parents, a series of heartbreaks and divorces in their family, the ones who had hated each other 'til death did them part. He still remembered the one girl who was terrified of having a soulmate because her father was an abusive drunk and her mother who had stayed with him because of the sentiment of soulmates and the belief that he’d change for her. It was that which had ended her life in actuality. He understood exactly why she didn’t want a soulmate and had done everything he could to make it as painless as possible. 

The most heartbreaking ones were the ones where they had met their soulmates and it hadn’t worked which was great for all the campaigns, but a horrible idea. You were always fed this idea that your soulmate would become the most important thing in your life and that you could always trust them, encouraged to give up everything to be with them and then it just wouldn’t work out. It terrified him. 

Today was no different, he’d done a couple of minor tattoos throughout the morning and he’d checked up one of the people he’d removed the tattoos for. He didn’t understand why he had to check up on them, if they’d changed their minds, he couldn’t do anything about them. The only thing they could hope for is for the town’s officials to have found a matching tattoo for them. Luckily, the guy who’d came in last time was perfectly happy without his mark.

Clint had come in late, as always, with a half-eaten baguette that Bucky was meant to have for lunch, but decided against. Clint normally did all of the minor tattoos and made sure all the needles were sterilised and good to use. Today he’d just come in super late which meant Bucky had to do all of the minor tattoos and discard half of the needles because he was nowhere near as good as Clint was at figuring out which ones he could use. 

Bucky would have made Clint stay longer since his shift ended half an hour after he got in, but Clint looked super tired and stressed so he decided to just let him go whenever he wanted to as long as it was after his shift ended which was in five minutes. He'd ask him about it later and make sure that Clint was okay. 

“I’m looking for a James Barnes?” The question came just after their shop door rang. Both men cast their eyes to the door to see two men walk in, one with sunglasses and a tan making him look like he’d just came from the beach and a totally buffed up blonde guy.

“That would be me,” Bucky responded, moving to the front of his small shop, “Soulmate marks?” It was always soulmate marks, he was both famous and infamous across the city for them. He was hated by the traditionalist and praised by the freedom fighters while Bucky just wanted to help people who asked for it. It wasn’t fair to deny people what they wanted because you thought you knew the best thing for them. Sometimes it was a mistake, but most of the time, it caused no problems.

“How do you know?” the blonde guy asked, squinting his eyes slightly, staring at Bucky in confusion.

“Only the officials call me James and I’m the only soulmate mark technician in the city,” he explained, smiling lightly at the guy. He hated being called a technician, it implied that Bucky had some sort of skill and had worked towards that his entire life when he was really just a guy who lucked out with a teacher who insisted on him learning it.

“Ah,” the tanned guy noted, “My friend here wants his mark removed.” He smiled tightly while pushing the other guy forward.

“Okay, I have to complete this form in private just to not lose my job so I have to ask you to step aside.” He motioned towards the sofa in the back of the shop, “Feel free to sit there and wait,” he offered, brushing his hair out of his face while he looked for one of the soulmate mark forms. It was a pretty stupid form, it had the basic questions, but it required Bucky to fill it in in case something went wrong when clearly nothing could go wrong unless he was dealing with an absolute moron.

“Nah, I’ll meet you later Rogers.” The tanned guy backed away, raising his arms as he walked, “Enjoy!” He grinned as he left the shop letting the bell ring. Glancing quickly at the guy, it was clear that he was about to apologise for his friend. Bucky knew that feeling very well.

“Odd choice for company,” he interjected before the guy could apologise, “Name?” he asked, tapping his pen on the clipboard with the form. 

The guy made a hesitant noise, blinking rapidly, before he answered, “Steve Rogers.”

“Steve Rogers okay,” Bucky murmured, scribbling his name down quickly, “Where is the mark located and what is the mark of?” Again, how could anyone fuck this up? As long as you could see, wasn’t colour-blind and knew your left and right, you couldn’t possibly get it wrong.

“Um, left palm, red star.” It was clear that Steve wasn’t comfortable with this as were most people, they always felt like they were going to get judged when Bucky couldn’t care less. It was your body and your life, it was your choice as to what you were going to do with them.

“Left palm, huh? That’ll be painful,” Bucky warned, looking up from the form for a second, “We have to take a picture of it before we start,” he mentioned to Steve who was shifting weight from foot to foot, clearly nervous, “If you change your mind at any point, speak up. If you’re in too much pain, tell me and we’ll stop. Any hesitations, just mention it. No question is stupid, trust me. Feel free to take this as long as you want, okay?” He wanted to make Steve as comfortable as possible because he knew how much shit he was about to get from all the traditionalists or just the people who never questioned what they were told.

“Okay,” Steve murmured, meeting Bucky’s eyes for a moment before going back to staring past him. That was probably the best he was going to get.

“Any particular reason why you want it removed?” Bucky tapped his fingers on the desk while he waited, “Feel free to make something up if you don’t think your reason is official enough, they’re pretty shitty at the council about it,” he added to try to ease Steve’s hesitation.

“I just… don’t want a mark to define my life,” he finally replied after a minute of thinking.

“Okay, I’ll exaggerate it on the form so they have no reason to complain about it.” Bucky scribbled down his cliché reason, referencing to Clause 23 in their soulmate constitution and throwing in freedom of speech being a right just because. The form was pretty stupid and worthless since they couldn’t do anything anyway after the mark was removed. You couldn’t force someone to fall in love.

With the form completed, he led Steve to one of the chairs while calling for Clint to go get the camera to take a picture of Steve’s mark. While he waited, he went into the back to prepare the equipment he’d need and find a form for anaesthesia just in case Steve couldn’t handle it although he was a six foot upwards guy so he’d probably be fine. 

“Hey Bucky, how do you work the camera?” Goddamn it Clint.

“Really Barton? It’s not rocket science!” he called back, heading towards the front of the shop again to be met with Clint’s wide-eyed stare which meant something was wrong. If this guy is Clint’s soulmate, he was going to scream.

“I’m fairly certain he’s got the same mark as you, Buck,” Clint whispered in his ear, filling Bucky with panic, “So you’ll do the picture won’t you buddy?” Clint smiled, heading back up the stairs to probably hang around in Bucky’s apartment. Fuck you Clint.

“Is everything okay?” is Steve’s first question when Bucky walks over to take the picture. Clint could not be more ominous.

“Yeah, Clint is just a moron,” Bucky explained, trying not to panic when he saw Steve’s mark. It was at least similar to his mark, but he really didn’t want to check. If it is the same, what is he meant to do? Steve clearly didn’t want a soulmate and when would be a good time to explain it? There would not be a good time. Bucky coughed awkwardly, trying to fight the urge to roll up his left sleeve to check, taking the picture instead.

Bucky began prepping the equipment, trying to stop the shakiness of his hands while telling Steve to relax even though he was about as tense as a rock. In the next hour, he might have been removing his soulmate’s mark. His soulmate mark. Removing his soulmate mark from his soulmate. That was a glorious fuck up.

“Again, this is going to be painful-” he cut himself off from pointing out how painful it might be for both of them, “-so if it gets too much, make sure to tell me.” He inwardly sighed in relief of his recovery, still trying to calm his heart which was beating faster and louder than it ever had.

“M’kay,” Steve mumbled in response, not exactly reassuring Bucky.

Despite the panic, he set off to work, first going around the edges which was always the least painful. He didn’t really know why, no one really knew for sure, but the leading theory was that it was the heart of the tattoo. Steve gritted his teeth a few times, but he didn’t tell him to stop so Bucky continued, ignoring the itch in his arm. That always happens, it must be psychosomatic, if he thought about it, that area would itch or ache. 

“Still okay?” Bucky asked, hesitating as he got nearer to the centre, waiting for Steve to nod in response, “The centre is always the most painful. If you need a break, tell me, we’re doing this at your pace,” he explained, being a little bit more mindful than he normally was. Although he normally had other appointments while today was just quiet and calm so he had all the time in the world. It was only then, as his heart was racing a little less, did he realise that he hadn't even asked Steve if he wanted the anaesthesia. 

He took another moment to breathe, still ignoring the itch in his arm which was getting a bit worse, still forcing the idea that Steve was his soulmate to the back of his mind. The world wasn’t that cruel. 

He started again, a little slower this time as he worked, trying to keep the laser steady. He found himself biting back curse words as he got closer to the centre, the itch becoming an ache while Steve gritted his teeth. Fuck, he couldn’t actually be his soulmate, could he? That would be horrible, just plain horrible. He couldn’t be removing his soulmate’s soul mark. He closed his eyes for two seconds and continuing, forcing the thought to the back of his mind.

Clint re-emerged just as he was finishing the removal, “Hey Buck, your arms bleeding?” Clint seemed simultaneously panicked, but also too casual about it meaning it was definitely his left arm that was bleeding and Clint didn’t know how to approach it. 

“I’ll get a towel after we finish,” Bucky replied through gritted teeth, hoping Clint got the message that he really didn’t want Clint to point out that Steve might just be is soulmate, “We’re done here now so we just need to finish the form with the compulsory questionnaire and then you’ll be all ready to go,” Bucky explained to Steve, trying to ignore the trickle of blood he could feel on his arm. Fuck, when did it start to bleed? He'd forgotten that it was a symptom of it, he hadn't believed the urban legends until now. He was still hoping that maybe his sleeve had just cut him or something stupid, still hoping that he might get that cliche love story life. 

“And pay?” Steve questioned, clearly unaware that they only made them pay if they had met their soulmate which technically, Steve might have, but he was unaware of it.

“Unless you’ve met your soulmate and you are both aware of each other’s presence, you don’t have to pay,” Bucky explained, feeling rather hopeless right now. Technically, Steve had met his soulmate, he just didn’t know. He didn’t want a soulmate, he’d had his mark removed for a reason, would it be shittier for Bucky to withdraw the knowledge that Steve was his soulmate or reveal it and then make him pay? Fuck.

Apparently, Clint really didn’t want Bucky to make that decision, “Let me see your arm Barnes; that looks pretty serious.” Clint headed towards the front desk, grabbing a questionnaire for Steve to do. He passed it to him a little clumsily before grabbing onto Bucky’s arm to try to move his sleeve.

“Stop Barton, I’m fine,” Bucky growled through gritted teeth, glaring at him as subtly as he could. 

“No, you’re not.” Clint raised his eyebrows, challenging Bucky to make a scene.

Bucky heaved a sigh, his eyes widening in a glare at Clint, relaxing his shoulders to show that Clint had won this one. He didn’t know if he hated or loved Clint for this move. He couldn’t stop it, though, Clint was too busy pulling up the sleeve to completely show Bucky’s mark.

“Fuck.” That was the only thing Bucky could even think to say. 

“You’re my soulmate?” Steve sounded disbelieving and Bucky really didn’t blame him. This was probably the most unlikely thing that had ever happened ever. How did it happen? It depending completely on the chance that Bucky’s tattoo mentor made him learn the removal, the chance that Bucky continued and got his qualification it, the chance that Bucky opened up a tattoo shop, the chance that no one else in the city could do it, the chance that Steve did not want a soulmate and the chance that Steve made the choice to get it removed. This was so unlikely that the universe must hate Bucky. He must have run over Jesus in his past life.

“Yes?” Bucky replied, blinking a few times trying to process what Clint had done and trying not to just yell ‘fuck’ as much as he could.

“Why didn’t you say something?” Bucky really didn’t have a good answer to that.

“When would be a good time to mention to the guy you’re removing the soulmate mark from that you have the same soulmate mark?” Bucky tried, wondering how much more he could fuck up the damage control, “Plus, I wasn’t completely sure they were the same,” he added, pleading that Steve wouldn’t punch him because Steve looked very strong. 

“I don’t know. I feel like an asshole now,” Steve mumbled, looking perplexed and guilty.

“Why? Because you don’t want a mark to control your life? Do you think I would be doing this for a living if I was against it and believed in all that traditionalist shit? It’s your body and your life, you can do whatever the fuck you want with it, you shouldn’t have to feel shit about the fact that you didn’t just date some random stranger you’d never met because you had matching tattoos.” Bucky hated how much he was about to lie, “I don’t care, I know it sounds bad, but as far as we’re concerned, I’m just a tattoo artist you met once and you’re just a client. That’s it, we don’t have some special bond or have known each other for years. We’re strangers and I don’t mind or care that you want to live on your own terms rather than what some stupid mark says.” 

He was a fucking liar, but a good one at that.

“Really?” The hope and happiness in Steve’s voice broke Bucky’s heart into little pieces.

“Yes,” Bucky lied through his goddamn teeth, choking back the tears silently, checking to see where Clint was, but the guy had mysteriously left the room, “I’m gonna go clean up my arm before I have bloodstains all over my shop, if you can finish the questionnaire and leave it on the side before you leave, that’d be great.” He just needed to work through the pain until his soul-, no, until _Steve_ had left the shop. 

“O-okay.” Steve looked and sounded like he was trying to process the situation still which Bucky understood. This was probably one of the most painful soulmate meetings ever. Bucky didn’t even react, just turned away and up the stairs into his apartment to go get a bandage and cry into a tub of ice cream.

“What happened?” Clint was using a tiny voice, sounding a bit like he was trying to walk on eggshells. He wasn’t always the best at reading the situation, but he seemed to know that Bucky could have been in pain and that was either the worst or best moment of his life.

“Nothing happened,” Bucky whispered, feeling like all the breath had been knocked out of him, “Nothing at all… He’s gone to live his life like he wants to.” Bucky closed his eyes, trying to get a grip on himself. He didn’t want to cry, not then, not for that. Not for a man he’d never known, a love he’d never even had. He shouldn’t cry about that, but all he wanted to do was cry. He shouldn’t feel like his life was worthless because it didn’t have a person he’d never even met before that day in it. 

But it did.

“Oh fuck Bucky,” Clint whispered, immediately wrapping his arms around Bucky, pulling him into a hug that Bucky almost collapsed into, “That was the most selfless thing, god Bucky, what you just did was so selfless.” Bucky appreciated Clint’s attempt at helping, but all he really wanted was a hug.

“It was the right thing to do,” Bucky mumbled, not knowing what to do or say. What does one do when they give up their soulmate? What was he meant to do other than cry?

“Yeah Buck, it was. Doesn’t mean you should’ve had to do it though,” Clint grumbled, sighing against Bucky, still holding him tightly, “If you want, I could probably figure out how to work that laser thing and remove it for you,” Clint suggested, sounding as desperate and hopeless as Bucky was feeling. Everything just felt worthless and like it had no meaning. He’d get through it, though, he always did. He wasn’t going to be beaten by this, no, he was going to fight through it. He would get over this.

“No, I want to keep it.” Bucky moved back out of the hug, letting out a long breath with a sad smile, “I want it to keep it… keep it as a sentiment of what could have been.”


	2. What Should Have Been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got inspired... still not a happy end though, well depending on how you see it i guess

“So this guy, Clint here, he just kind of stares at me creepily for weeks. I don’t know how we do it, but we just keep bumping into each other-” 

“LIKE IT WAS DESTINY!” Clint drunkenly interrupted Nat, grinning widely as he yells, one arm around her, the other punching the air. It shouldn’t feel like a stab to the heart, but it did. Bucky couldn’t help but envy them, envy their love and their chance at happiness.

“Okay, like it was destiny-” Nat interrupted herself with a drunken giggle, “-and this guy, he doesn’t say anything to me, he just stares. And I’m thinking, shit, have I got a stalker?” Bucky forced himself to laugh and mimic the actions of everyone around him, “So I finally think, let me just go talk to him, I’ll punch him if he’s a stalker. And what do you know? Apparently, the guy is my soulmate!” She was grinning like a fool, glancing happily and lovingly at Clint.

It made Bucky sick.

“So I don’t want to date her just because apparently she’s my soulmate and she certainly doesn’t believe in the soulmate bullshit,” Bucky hoped Clint knew that he was a liar, “So I thought, why don’t I be reasonable? Like ask her on a date and go through the motions like we would if we didn’t have matching tattoos?” 

“I really didn’t want it, not to begin with,” Nat began to explain, using drunken hand signals that weren’t helping, “So I’m so against the idea. Like so so so against it. But then this moron, he takes me paintballing, says that there was no point trying to pretend to be someone else and that he loves this and he doesn’t protest when I pay for myself and doesn’t complain or yell cheater when I win. And I’m thinking shit, this guy is actually pretty cool-” Nat drunkenly burped, laughing at her own interruption, “So I’m just like, how do I not fall in love?” Bucky understood that the question was rhetorical, but Bucky wished someone would answer. He wasn’t even in love with Steve, he was just stuck on the idea of having a soulmate who didn’t want him. Fuck.

“So we’re on our like fifth date and we’re watching some shitty horror movie-“

“You were screaming like an eight-year-old, you were scared!” Nat interrupted him, pushing him gently. Fuck, why couldn’t Bucky have that?

“Fine, I was scared. But like she’s not and as we leave, she seems super on edge and I’m thinking fuck, does she not like screaming because fuck, we’re fucked in the bedroom if that’s true,” Clint took a moment for everyone around him to guffaw and laugh, Bucky forcing a laugh still, “But instead, she suggests that our next date should be to get our marks removed and... and... and…” Clint trailed off drunkenly, his eyes glazing over slightly.

“And this motherfucker is like oh yeah, my friend does that, I can arrange it!” Nat exclaimed a little too loudly and drunkenly, “I was just using it as like a, you know, trying to use it to let go of this, run away from the fact that I loved him this little idiot.” He hated that word so much.

“I’m not little!” Clint protested, jumping forward slightly in his seat. He was super drunk.

“Say that when you get to six foot!” Maria Hill suddenly jumped in the conversation from across their drunken circle, her feet twitching while she stared at them like they were some new kind of sea creature never found before. Maybe they shouldn’t have drunk that much.

“Whatever Mountain.” Okay, Clint was very, very drunk.

“So we get here and I’m getting cold feet because fuck, I love this guy and he’s not trying to take over my life or anything like most people I’ve dated have. So I’m panicking and this guy over here-” Nat motioned shakily at Bucky, “He’s like, I’m not doing any of it unless you’re both certain and I’m like, how does Clint have sensible friends to try to ignore my panic. And then Clint suddenly thinks that we should have removed each to like symbolise that we’re not together because of the marks, but that we started because of them, but we’re together because we love each other. And I do, I fucking love this guy. I love his immaturity and his hugs and his willing to embarrass himself as long as the situation plays out right. I love how he’s not just a boyfriend, he’s a friend. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had. I love him for how accepting he is, he doesn’t try to force me to do something I don’t want to do, and he respects my opinion and knows that I can make my own decisions. And fuck, I love him so much.” Bucky shouldn’t hate his friends’ happiness and love, but he did. They were a constant reminder of what could have been, of what he could have had with Steve.

“Oh wow,” Maria whispered, her eyes wide open while Clint and Nat whispered sickeningly loving things to one another, “I wish mine would have been that interesting, we just met and went on dates and shit.” It seemed like everyone else got to have their happy ending with their soulmate, everyone but Bucky.

“No one will beat our story!” Clint punched his chest like he was King Kong, a very drunk King Kong.

“Shut it you,” Nat whispered, nuzzling her face into Clint’s neck. It made Bucky sick, how much they loved one another.

“What about you Barnes, met your soulmate yet?” Bucky knew Maria meant well, but fuck, that word made him sick to his stomach. He hated it, he hated all of it. 

Clint suddenly jumped forward, his eyes wide and a lot more sober, “Maria, that’s not-”

“It’s fine Clint,” Bucky sighed, smiling sadly at his friend, “He… uh, he came in to have his mark removed actually,” he murmured, scratching the back of his neck nervously. He didn’t want another apology or more sympathy, no one could do anything about it. His soulmate didn’t want to have a soulmate and that was fine, sure it wasn’t great for Bucky, but he couldn’t do anything about it. Steve was happy, hopefully, and Bucky would get over it, hopefully.

“Shit, I’m sorry-”

“Don’t, I’m over it,” Bucky interrupted, taking a swig of whisky while he lied. He wasn’t over it, he still dreamed of Steve, of having a nice house with two children and a white picket fence. He still pondered what they would name their children and how they would decorate their shared room. He still wrote imaginary wedding vows and spent hours deciding what song their first dance would be to. He still imagined their first kiss, where it would be, whether it would be chaste or long, what would Steve taste like.

He still wondered what Steve’s favourite drink would be, how he would take his coffee in the morning and what his favourite restaurant would be. Would they be good parents and what were Steve’s parents like? Would Bucky get on with that or would it be that cliché in-law stories you saw in every movie? Why couldn’t he have that cliché love stories from the movies? Why was he the one who didn’t get it? 

He always had this dream, this idea that he and Steve would fall in love and that they’d go on stupid dates and have stupid phrases that meant so much to them. And that they’d always know what to get each other for Christmas and they’d enjoyed their holidays together. That they’d go to sleep, wanting to wake up just so they could wake up next to each other. That they’d meet up in lunch breaks even if it was just to say hi. They’d have a small wedding in spring and Clint would catch their bouquet and that Bucky would be forced to walk down the aisle because of his hair. He’d protest, to begin with, but eventually give in because that was what Steve wanted. They have two children, Sharon and Gabriel. Sharon would be an all-star athlete like her Dad and Gabriel would be the class clown, always wanting to make other people smile. Every day he’d get to look at his beautiful children and soulmate. Maybe they’d die together, be buried together and live together forever in the memories of everyone else.

He knew it was hopeless, pointless, stupid, but he couldn’t help but imagine what could have been, what should have been.

**Author's Note:**

> do i need to say sorry....
> 
>  
> 
> come scream with me on [tumblr](https://island-of-asteria.tumblr.com/)


End file.
